Sleeping is for Quitters

Invariably, after a couple months of blogging, I read through my entries and feel like a big dumb asshole. My blogs are never as honest once people start reading it, and I kind of hate myself for it.

But I think I'm going to stick with it - my blogs always prove valuable as an archive of how idiotic I was at the time of writing.(can't believe this shit)

I was published in the City Paper for the first time today. Amusingly, this image I doctored from the company website also appeared as a graphic in the article. I am an uncredited professional graphic designer (RESUME).

-rapid topic change-

I'm at the halfway point of my undergraduate, and the strongest motivation I have is not ambition or passion or optimism - it's this irresistible impulse to escape from everything and everyone. When I drove to work today, I kept thinking: what if I just kept driving? I have this recurring fantasy of running away to Hawaii with Amanda and getting a job at the Hawaii Star-Bulletin.

When I'm having thoughts like that, things need to change. Responsibilities accrue. There are so many things I need to prepare for, and so many crucial decisions I have to make. And I'm fantasizing about lying on a beach somewhere for the rest of my life. There's no time for this.

I'm not depressed or anything - I'm just...adrift. I haven't been at this point in a long time - I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want to be, and I don't have specific goals. I've been isolating myself, and I haven't been making plans with friends - I'm too confused to be social and old friendships are fading because of it. Nor am I being as productive as I should be at my internship. As fulfilling as the work is, I'm just afraid to commit entirely.

I'm pretty sure what the problem is. It's been 7 months since my birthday, and it's just now starting to sink in: I am 20 fucking years old, and there's nothing I can do about it. Yesterday I took a few laps around Ravenwood, but it was pointless.

I have to say goodbye to my childhood. I have stop wishing I was a kid again all the time. Once I can do that, the rest will be no problem.

I hope my friends stick around for it.