Sleeping is for Quitters

During the course of striving indecently to kill UCLA economics before it kills me, I don't get much time to stop, sit, and think about who I am, and how much I've changed.

When I was in high school, I told myself, "Never grow up!" All around me, I saw old people trapped by their choices because they were afraid to step off of their chosen paths. I told myself never to fear the possibility of giving up and starting over. My happiness would be my highest value, and I'd do anything to preserve it. I was going to be different - happy.

I've received a heavy dosage of reality since then, and I've changed. I don't have much fun any more. I've tried to walk the path of an ascetic careerist, slaking my thirst for happiness with accumulated success. I try comfort myself with the thought that once I graduate and find a job, I'll be able to lead a fulfilling life in my spare time.

But it's time to remember that path I saw for myself so many years ago. The world is the way it is, but I won't let it stop me from being who I am. Life is not meant to be lived in your spare time.

I want to live a chaotic life without routine. I want to be poor. I want to be rich. I want to go as many places as I can and see as much as I can and write about it so I'll never forget about it. I want to do something useful with my brain. I will never, ever do work that keeps me alive but kills my soul, and I believe that there's good, productive work to do somewhere that can actually make people's lives better. I refuse to care about the kind of stuff I have. I want hundreds of friends all over the world. When I'm 40, I hope I'm still talking trash to Will and Weier and Ian and Kevin.


Right now I'm a student, and a pretty good one. I'm good at thinking, at being interested, and I'm endlessly curious. I want to cram as much knowledge as will fit in my brain. I'm intelligent, compassionate, personable, and strong. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and though I'm trying very hard to figure it out, I'm completely fine with not knowing.