Someone I know has been diagnosed with cancer. Facebook delivered the news.
I didn't know her particularly well. We've worked together a few times and have a some things in common, like respect.
And even though she has hundreds of caring people around her, I feel deeply compelled to reach out to her, to help comprehend the pain and beat back the fear and point out when the sun is shining and turn the lights on when it isn't. Though I didn't know her especially well, though she may not have counted me among her friends, I want to help, in my own poor, inadequate, hopelessly awkward fashion.
Fuck cancer! Goddamn it is inexorable. Time acts faster than it should, pushing and shoving us towards something we refuse to acknowledge until it's looking us in the eye.
MGMT - Time to pretend. Not perfect but strikes the right tone.
E is for Economics, Excruciating, Evil
Majoring in economics is only reinforcing my belief that I lack the raw unfiltered greed to be successful in business.
Econ 101, theory of microeconomics.
Consumers: "Hey, this is nice! I've got lots of consumer surplus in this market, meaning that I get lower prices! There's no loss to society, and everyone benefits! yaay! "
The firms: "What the fuck are you doing! I see what you're doing there, with your 'consumer surplus'? GIMME THAT SHIT, I'm charging a membership fee."
Consumers: "Oh no, price discrimination! Now on top of the price I pay for your product, I'm forced to pay the membership fee which happens to be the exact amount of my surplus! My happiness added a zero to the balance of your bank account! Why am I letting this happen?"
The firms: "Haha. Thanks for the money. Now look at this commercial...don't you really like us now?"
Consumers: "Well...that was a really good commercial...and I love Jerry Seinfeld...alright then."
I knew that this powerful knowledge, and now I'm seeing how the same tools you can use to lift poor countries out of debt and provide health care to sick children, you can use to literally transform consumer happiness into profit margins. That's literally demonic, something you would see on Satan's resume. yeesh
Economics 111 Growth and Development is turning out to be an interesting, if sometimes mind numbing class, thanks to my professor, who is really rich, angry, and aristocratic.
Since this post seems to be about my classes, if you see me smiling or laughing in my climate change class, it's probably because Professor Holger Brix just said the word 'huge', which in German English translates phonetically to 'yooj.' And plus, Holger Brix...that's a good one.
Econ 101, theory of microeconomics.
Consumers: "Hey, this is nice! I've got lots of consumer surplus in this market, meaning that I get lower prices! There's no loss to society, and everyone benefits! yaay! "
The firms: "What the fuck are you doing! I see what you're doing there, with your 'consumer surplus'? GIMME THAT SHIT, I'm charging a membership fee."
Consumers: "Oh no, price discrimination! Now on top of the price I pay for your product, I'm forced to pay the membership fee which happens to be the exact amount of my surplus! My happiness added a zero to the balance of your bank account! Why am I letting this happen?"
The firms: "Haha. Thanks for the money. Now look at this commercial...don't you really like us now?"
Consumers: "Well...that was a really good commercial...and I love Jerry Seinfeld...alright then."
I knew that this powerful knowledge, and now I'm seeing how the same tools you can use to lift poor countries out of debt and provide health care to sick children, you can use to literally transform consumer happiness into profit margins. That's literally demonic, something you would see on Satan's resume. yeesh
Economics 111 Growth and Development is turning out to be an interesting, if sometimes mind numbing class, thanks to my professor, who is really rich, angry, and aristocratic.
Since this post seems to be about my classes, if you see me smiling or laughing in my climate change class, it's probably because Professor Holger Brix just said the word 'huge', which in German English translates phonetically to 'yooj.' And plus, Holger Brix...that's a good one.
change I need/can believe in/deserve/found on the sidewalk
This weekend we did a lot of furniture moving - we threw the couch upstairs away and replaced it with the couch from my parent's room, and then we moved the couches from the family room into my parent's room.
I spent about three hours rearranging things in the rec room upstairs, hooking up surround sound to the cable and DVD player, moving the rug, vacuuming and finding pillows to set around. When I finished, I found myself pretty excited about using the room - having my friends over, watching movies on the big screen, listening to the radio in surround sound, etc.
But then I had a sudden realization: I don't really live here any more...what does it matter to me what the rec room looks like?
When I get to school this fall I'm going to apply for a California driver's license and declare residency in California. Next summer, I'm going to find an internship somewhere up in Northern California, and though I still want to see the east coast, I'm increasingly sure that there's no where I'd rather live and work than California. I want to go to grad school at Stanford or Berkeley. I'm excited about this - about becoming a California resident, about carving out my place down there.
I am...excited. Finally! I'm not afraid, or unsure that I'm making the correct decision, or mourning my lost childhood or something equally dramatic. My path is clear - hit the books, look for opportunities, and even though I don't really know exactly what I want to do, all I have to do is try new things and eventually I'll figure it out.
What I'm trying to say is I'm not afraid of failing any more.
All of this existentialist crap I've been absorbed with this summer has actually been totally unnecessary. I guess my ego overestimates my problems.
So in a few weeks, I'm going to be leaving home for good - home just for vacations and week-long 'hey parents what's up' visits. Other than wishing I could take this badass rec room with me, I can't wait.
Also my parents are fucking driving me nuts, so that's good.
I spent about three hours rearranging things in the rec room upstairs, hooking up surround sound to the cable and DVD player, moving the rug, vacuuming and finding pillows to set around. When I finished, I found myself pretty excited about using the room - having my friends over, watching movies on the big screen, listening to the radio in surround sound, etc.
But then I had a sudden realization: I don't really live here any more...what does it matter to me what the rec room looks like?
When I get to school this fall I'm going to apply for a California driver's license and declare residency in California. Next summer, I'm going to find an internship somewhere up in Northern California, and though I still want to see the east coast, I'm increasingly sure that there's no where I'd rather live and work than California. I want to go to grad school at Stanford or Berkeley. I'm excited about this - about becoming a California resident, about carving out my place down there.
I am...excited. Finally! I'm not afraid, or unsure that I'm making the correct decision, or mourning my lost childhood or something equally dramatic. My path is clear - hit the books, look for opportunities, and even though I don't really know exactly what I want to do, all I have to do is try new things and eventually I'll figure it out.
What I'm trying to say is I'm not afraid of failing any more.
All of this existentialist crap I've been absorbed with this summer has actually been totally unnecessary. I guess my ego overestimates my problems.
So in a few weeks, I'm going to be leaving home for good - home just for vacations and week-long 'hey parents what's up' visits. Other than wishing I could take this badass rec room with me, I can't wait.
Also my parents are fucking driving me nuts, so that's good.
Invariably, after a couple months of blogging, I read through my entries and feel like a big dumb asshole. My blogs are never as honest once people start reading it, and I kind of hate myself for it.
But I think I'm going to stick with it - my blogs always prove valuable as an archive of how idiotic I was at the time of writing.(can't believe this shit)
I was published in the City Paper for the first time today. Amusingly, this image I doctored from the company website also appeared as a graphic in the article. I am an uncredited professional graphic designer (RESUME).
-rapid topic change-
I'm at the halfway point of my undergraduate, and the strongest motivation I have is not ambition or passion or optimism - it's this irresistible impulse to escape from everything and everyone. When I drove to work today, I kept thinking: what if I just kept driving? I have this recurring fantasy of running away to Hawaii with Amanda and getting a job at the Hawaii Star-Bulletin.
When I'm having thoughts like that, things need to change. Responsibilities accrue. There are so many things I need to prepare for, and so many crucial decisions I have to make. And I'm fantasizing about lying on a beach somewhere for the rest of my life. There's no time for this.
I'm not depressed or anything - I'm just...adrift. I haven't been at this point in a long time - I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want to be, and I don't have specific goals. I've been isolating myself, and I haven't been making plans with friends - I'm too confused to be social and old friendships are fading because of it. Nor am I being as productive as I should be at my internship. As fulfilling as the work is, I'm just afraid to commit entirely.
I'm pretty sure what the problem is. It's been 7 months since my birthday, and it's just now starting to sink in: I am 20 fucking years old, and there's nothing I can do about it. Yesterday I took a few laps around Ravenwood, but it was pointless.
I have to say goodbye to my childhood. I have stop wishing I was a kid again all the time. Once I can do that, the rest will be no problem.
I hope my friends stick around for it.
But I think I'm going to stick with it - my blogs always prove valuable as an archive of how idiotic I was at the time of writing.(can't believe this shit)
I was published in the City Paper for the first time today. Amusingly, this image I doctored from the company website also appeared as a graphic in the article. I am an uncredited professional graphic designer (RESUME).
-rapid topic change-
I'm at the halfway point of my undergraduate, and the strongest motivation I have is not ambition or passion or optimism - it's this irresistible impulse to escape from everything and everyone. When I drove to work today, I kept thinking: what if I just kept driving? I have this recurring fantasy of running away to Hawaii with Amanda and getting a job at the Hawaii Star-Bulletin.
When I'm having thoughts like that, things need to change. Responsibilities accrue. There are so many things I need to prepare for, and so many crucial decisions I have to make. And I'm fantasizing about lying on a beach somewhere for the rest of my life. There's no time for this.
I'm not depressed or anything - I'm just...adrift. I haven't been at this point in a long time - I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want to be, and I don't have specific goals. I've been isolating myself, and I haven't been making plans with friends - I'm too confused to be social and old friendships are fading because of it. Nor am I being as productive as I should be at my internship. As fulfilling as the work is, I'm just afraid to commit entirely.
I'm pretty sure what the problem is. It's been 7 months since my birthday, and it's just now starting to sink in: I am 20 fucking years old, and there's nothing I can do about it. Yesterday I took a few laps around Ravenwood, but it was pointless.
I have to say goodbye to my childhood. I have stop wishing I was a kid again all the time. Once I can do that, the rest will be no problem.
I hope my friends stick around for it.
also belatedly
I want to go to grad school. but fuck if I know where or doing what.
I want to read more often.
I wish I wasn't taking so many math oriented classes.
I wish I understood econ 11 easily.
fuck.
I want to read more often.
I wish I wasn't taking so many math oriented classes.
I wish I understood econ 11 easily.
fuck.
Belatedly
Dear Captain Planet,
I'm worried about the environment, global warming, and sustainability, and it took a really, stupidly long time.
I read about the destruction of 500 miles of forest in Africa because, thanks to global warming, some demonic species of tree-devouring beetle roams further than it normally does. We're going to run out of oil in 20 years and we can't even develop alternative fuels because of lobbyists and because we can't upset the delicate balance of the world economy. If we try to develop fuel out of corn oil, the price of bread skyrockets. The price of the American consumption basket is skyrocketing and there's no ceiling. Gas prices are rising, which shrinks our perception of our incomes - we spend less and the economy and the dollar, the yen, the everything suffers.
I have this perception that our existence has been maintained by an extremely delicate balance that we've finally upset. The sky is falling. And I'm literally choking as I write this because I'm realizing it so late. I am a fucking tool. But even though my idiotically high threshold of concern has been surpassed, I don't know if anyone else has noticed. There are actually people, billions of them, who may be more shortsighted than myself.
i can't believe more people don't care right now.
George Bush wants to bully the Saudi oil wells into producing more, or if that fails, to drill in Alaska. I watched C-span the other day and saw a Republican congressman giving a presentation on the oil crisis - he had two big, shiny posters with nice colorful graphics depicting prices before the Democrats achieved a majority, and higher prices after(in his mind, as a result of) the Democratic majority. The posters had pictures of small gas pumps compared to large gas pumps - are you fucking kidding me?
I also think the general campaign of 'going green' is having a misdirective effect. I think people confuse buying organic food, hiking, putting 'an inconvenient truth' in their netflix queue and eating vegetables with saving the earth and sustainability.
I may be one of those idiots. I write this blog, and I hope people read, with the caveat that I don't know shit. I'm just like every other ignorant, bigoted, generalizing motherfucker on the internet, except I maintain a somewhat respectable degree of uncertainty in my convictions.
But this 'end of the world' stuff is coming from all directions and I haven't heard a single person really refuting it.
Who gives a fuck who wins the election? Who gives a shit about tuition fees rising, or terrorism, or Iraq, or immigrant policy? Some of society's most educated, most intelligent, well funded people are predicting the collapse of civilization as we have enjoyed it (DURING MY LIFETIME) and the candidates are trying to win me over by taking shots in a bar in Pennsylvania and babbling vaguely about change? What good can they do?
I am a miniscule cog in this vague, vast, powerful machine that is America. But now, I (s)care(d). Just tell me what to do! I'm typing this in the dark, I take five minute showers, I recycle my trash now, but what good is it if the truck won't even be able to take it to the treatment plant?
Seriously. I'm useful - I'm registered to vote, I'm getting a college education, there's a recycling bin in my room, I'm not physically impaired and I can wipe my own ass. Who should I vote for? What should I tell people? Should I recycle? Stop showering? Can I wipe my ass with toilet paper, use my hand, or just stop pooping entirely? Just tell me how to best save the world and I promise you I won't disappoint.
Sincerely,
your friend Frank
ps: OH GOD WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I'm worried about the environment, global warming, and sustainability, and it took a really, stupidly long time.
I read about the destruction of 500 miles of forest in Africa because, thanks to global warming, some demonic species of tree-devouring beetle roams further than it normally does. We're going to run out of oil in 20 years and we can't even develop alternative fuels because of lobbyists and because we can't upset the delicate balance of the world economy. If we try to develop fuel out of corn oil, the price of bread skyrockets. The price of the American consumption basket is skyrocketing and there's no ceiling. Gas prices are rising, which shrinks our perception of our incomes - we spend less and the economy and the dollar, the yen, the everything suffers.
I have this perception that our existence has been maintained by an extremely delicate balance that we've finally upset. The sky is falling. And I'm literally choking as I write this because I'm realizing it so late. I am a fucking tool. But even though my idiotically high threshold of concern has been surpassed, I don't know if anyone else has noticed. There are actually people, billions of them, who may be more shortsighted than myself.
i can't believe more people don't care right now.
George Bush wants to bully the Saudi oil wells into producing more, or if that fails, to drill in Alaska. I watched C-span the other day and saw a Republican congressman giving a presentation on the oil crisis - he had two big, shiny posters with nice colorful graphics depicting prices before the Democrats achieved a majority, and higher prices after(in his mind, as a result of) the Democratic majority. The posters had pictures of small gas pumps compared to large gas pumps - are you fucking kidding me?
I also think the general campaign of 'going green' is having a misdirective effect. I think people confuse buying organic food, hiking, putting 'an inconvenient truth' in their netflix queue and eating vegetables with saving the earth and sustainability.
I may be one of those idiots. I write this blog, and I hope people read, with the caveat that I don't know shit. I'm just like every other ignorant, bigoted, generalizing motherfucker on the internet, except I maintain a somewhat respectable degree of uncertainty in my convictions.
But this 'end of the world' stuff is coming from all directions and I haven't heard a single person really refuting it.
Who gives a fuck who wins the election? Who gives a shit about tuition fees rising, or terrorism, or Iraq, or immigrant policy? Some of society's most educated, most intelligent, well funded people are predicting the collapse of civilization as we have enjoyed it (DURING MY LIFETIME) and the candidates are trying to win me over by taking shots in a bar in Pennsylvania and babbling vaguely about change? What good can they do?
I am a miniscule cog in this vague, vast, powerful machine that is America. But now, I (s)care(d). Just tell me what to do! I'm typing this in the dark, I take five minute showers, I recycle my trash now, but what good is it if the truck won't even be able to take it to the treatment plant?
Seriously. I'm useful - I'm registered to vote, I'm getting a college education, there's a recycling bin in my room, I'm not physically impaired and I can wipe my own ass. Who should I vote for? What should I tell people? Should I recycle? Stop showering? Can I wipe my ass with toilet paper, use my hand, or just stop pooping entirely? Just tell me how to best save the world and I promise you I won't disappoint.
Sincerely,
your friend Frank
ps: OH GOD WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE
econ 11 midterm
A;LSKDJFAVOIJA;S
A;OSIDJF
;SALDKFJ;LADSKJFA;OIWEJF;SAKDCV;KAWJ;COIAWEJ;LFJWA;OIEJF;LKJSADF;WOIEJF
you know you've done bad on a midterm when you come out feeling like you've survived a nuclear explosion instead of completing(not) 7 question test. is this what going into shock feels like?
I feel like I've been shot in the stomach, or like I just backed over the neighbor's golden retriever coming out of my driveway, like I just got home from school and found out that the house burned down and my family was sold into slavery, like I woke up and discovered I didn't have any legs
can't believe this shit
A;OSIDJF
;SALDKFJ;LADSKJFA;OIWEJF;SAKDCV;KAWJ;COIAWEJ;LFJWA;OIEJF;LKJSADF;WOIEJF
you know you've done bad on a midterm when you come out feeling like you've survived a nuclear explosion instead of completing(not) 7 question test. is this what going into shock feels like?
I feel like I've been shot in the stomach, or like I just backed over the neighbor's golden retriever coming out of my driveway, like I just got home from school and found out that the house burned down and my family was sold into slavery, like I woke up and discovered I didn't have any legs
can't believe this shit
analogies
It could take me quite a while to find an appropriate analogy to describe how difficult of a time I'm having finding a journalism internship, so for the time being I'll provide three potential candidates.
a)Finding a journalism internship is like trying to climb a glass wall with only your finger nails during an ice storm.
b)something in the vein of childbirth, etc.
c)I feel like it would be easier to travel through time by sheer force of will.
Terrible analogies.
I think everyone has some kind of skill, trade, or activity that they feel distinguishes themselves from all of the other people that surround them. And I think that this thing, this special characteristic forms a large part of the ego. If you fuck up in life, you return to that skill, that source of ego, and you feel better.
The situation goes something like this:
I got a B minus on that test, but oh well, I'll go hook up with some hot girl tonight because I'm really hot. Social skills compensate for academic weakness.
or
That girl at the frat party ignored me when I told her she was pretty, but check out my GPA - vice versa.
So it's a difficult thing for your ego when you realize that someone else is unarguably better at the thing you consider your greatest skill.
I'm trying to develop my writing. I want to acquire dimensions of meanings, shades of description. I want to be able to describe the world around me not only with near mechanical precision and accuracy, but with atmosphere and emotion. I analogize the process to climbing a mountain. So I write, and I write, and I write. I accept every article I'm offered, I read voluminously, and I try to learn from everything I do.
But all mountains have a peak, and some peaks are higher than others.
I'm climbing the mountain, but right next to me, someone is already proudly striking a pose at the summit of a mountain higher and more impressive than mine.
So this post, like all of my others, concludes with a question rather than a truth.
So what can you do when you realize that your mountain isn't tall enough?
a)Finding a journalism internship is like trying to climb a glass wall with only your finger nails during an ice storm.
b)something in the vein of childbirth, etc.
c)I feel like it would be easier to travel through time by sheer force of will.
Terrible analogies.
I think everyone has some kind of skill, trade, or activity that they feel distinguishes themselves from all of the other people that surround them. And I think that this thing, this special characteristic forms a large part of the ego. If you fuck up in life, you return to that skill, that source of ego, and you feel better.
The situation goes something like this:
I got a B minus on that test, but oh well, I'll go hook up with some hot girl tonight because I'm really hot. Social skills compensate for academic weakness.
or
That girl at the frat party ignored me when I told her she was pretty, but check out my GPA - vice versa.
So it's a difficult thing for your ego when you realize that someone else is unarguably better at the thing you consider your greatest skill.
I'm trying to develop my writing. I want to acquire dimensions of meanings, shades of description. I want to be able to describe the world around me not only with near mechanical precision and accuracy, but with atmosphere and emotion. I analogize the process to climbing a mountain. So I write, and I write, and I write. I accept every article I'm offered, I read voluminously, and I try to learn from everything I do.
But all mountains have a peak, and some peaks are higher than others.
I'm climbing the mountain, but right next to me, someone is already proudly striking a pose at the summit of a mountain higher and more impressive than mine.
So this post, like all of my others, concludes with a question rather than a truth.
So what can you do when you realize that your mountain isn't tall enough?
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