Sleeping is for Quitters

What is it about not sleeping that makes me feel so clean?

Somehow, when 3am rolls around, everything insignificant and trivial in my mind is wiped away.

The central idea of my paper somehow appears in a flash of insight. 3 pages write themselves in 45 minutes.

What's the point of writing about this? I don't think there's some magic phenomena that occurs. It's just that I thought of the sentence "What is it about not sleeping that makes me feel so clean?", and it was evocative.

My intellect is driven by things which are evocative. Is this unique?

In class, my attention is only unforced when the implications of a certain topic, or phrase, impress me. The things which are evocative to me seem to have nothing in common, which worries me. I'm here in college trying to figure what my interests are, and how to develop these interests into skills, and how to parley these skills into a career. 'Things which are evocative' are hardly helpful to my efforts.

Another thing which worries me is if I truly have any skill or talent at writing. This belief that I have something uncommon and unique inside of me is my entire being's cornerstone. Writing is my secret dream. Dreams are easy to have. There's no maintenence(effort), like you have for difficult things like ambitions and goals. Nobody challenges my dreams. Nobody forces me to think about them, nothing drives me to validate them. It's something to turn to in my confusion.

The greatest confusion of my life at this point is that I don't know what I want to do in my life. It's why I don't do anything. Where other people seem to have drive, and ambition, and goals, I have a giant, blinking question mark. I wonder if its useful to admit to myself.

It seems like there are two people in life. Many are like myself. Intelligent, with vision, but unable to achieve anything. Good learners who understand things, but find it difficult to motivate themselves to achieve concrete goals. It's always forced. And then there are those who live and breathe accomplishment. Application of knowledge follows naturally, seamlessly, from acquisition of knowledge.

This seems like it's going to be a tough life. I'll be complacent, because I know I have the intellectual ability. But everything I do I will have to force. Everything I achieve I have to convince myself to move myself to do. Contributing to this world and earning sustenance will be a terrible daily struggle.

unless I can change myself.

shit. I've got to finish this paper.