laziness

I am probably one of the most willfully lazy people in the world. I make this oft claimed...claim...because the dichotomy between my diligent self and my lazy self is amazing, to say the least.

The lazy Frank plays video games the night before a final, and writes with desperation and without purpose. He tries hard at the very end only to prove something - that he's smart, and that he's not worthless - but to no avail. His work is terrible.

The hardworking Frank does great things - he writes with clarity and personality, he understands the things that need to be done, and he does them without hesitation and with commitment. He is goddamn inspired - he has to pause work to write blogs about the plans and ideas that he has for the world and for himself. The hardworking Frank got into UCLA, NYU, and all kinds of good colleges even though lazy Frank was at the helm through most of high school. The reason any kind of work takes so long is because my lazy self is just sitting around waiting for hardworking Frank to show up.

Unfortunately, hardworking Frank has been elusive fuck this quarter - To be frank, I have lots o' shit to do before I leave. However, the past few weeks have been different.

I have spending every free second I have towards working for the Daily Bruin. In between classes, I sit up in the top floor of Kerckhoff Coffee house and record interviews that I don't need to do with people I don't need to talk to. I slave nightly at an article that I didn't need to take on, and I delete sentences that I could have just as easily kept in and finished all the earlier. many, many substances sit, unconsumed, at my apartment.

I've watched myself in absolute amazement, because this is literally the first time in my life that I've devoted so much time to something that isn't a video game, or something that I'm not forced, or outwardly motivated to do.

so I guess my question is - why?

I think I have a tentative answer.

I think that maybe, I love this work. That maybe, I love the process of discerning and encircling a story. Maybe I love the art of the interview, and learning the right questions to ask. Maybe I love learning the lessons that each article teaches, and maybe I love learning from people who have something to say. Maybe.

it is in protection to this ambition that I say maybe; I want to keep my excitement small enough so as not to smother it, though it is incredible galvanizing and breathtaking to think that I've found something to do with myself.

so, for now, I'll just say, maybe I love journalism.

but my heart says hell yeah, you do.